I appreciate what Freddie deBoer is writing here, I really do. And, I actually think he is right. I just don’t think it’s about me. I mean, it probably is about me, but in the sense that I’m the exception; not the rule.
For anyone that doesn’t want to read the whole post; here’s a snippet:
Today’s deranged essay in the Cut concerns Heated Rivalry, the book-and-television franchise that has ignited the passions of an army of dissatisfied women, some of whom have left their real-life partners thanks to the vision of raw animal passion that fictional world has shown them.
There are other examples of similar behavior that, my boy, Freddie points to. He says that the other side of men-pointed-at-women-expectations is just as voluminous, but that those kinds of men most likely don’t write much. Or, lets say, aren’t the writing type. I mean, I guess.
And really, all I’m trying to say is that these kinds of ideas make me feel better. Like Hey, maybe your -ex sized you up wrong, and didn’t realize what she had with you. Maybe she should have tried to go through counseling with you instead of just wholesale bailing.
But, there are certain problems with that thinking. I believe no one needs a reason to leave a relationship. And even then, those reasons can most certainly be, “not-attractive-anymore.” Now, to be fair to Freddie – he’s not arguing the counter of that. He’s saying that there may be a cultural narrative out there that is convincing us all that the grass is ever-so-greener. Which, you know, I don’t know why we need a narrative for that – I’ve been saying it for years about myself. Like, I’m great, I’m a catch. But, there’s a lot of other great guys out there too.
But, yeah, I’m still not getting to the point here. The point being, I shouldn’t try to make myself feel better. I may have really done something wrong that made Mandi not like me. Do I (did we?) deserve counseling? I don’t know, I’m not a good arbiter for. Obviously, I was / am too involved. So, I just have to hope that everybody made the best decision.
And imagining that Freddie is right, and this environmental framing is analogous to what happened to me – I don’t know what to say. It doesn’t really change anything. I’m just a sad guy trying to his best to do the things I want, and make the connections I want. Some things never change.